Theatre's eternal crisis with survival. Here's a tongue-in-cheek view of things as they are. Have fun!

1. Rs ten crores

If we had Rs ten crores, MTG would build a theatre-house with gigantic robot legs. That can travel from Parle to Parel; and Vasai to Vashi.

2. Making a few hundreds after the show

Carry your own crate, stand on it, ask a friend to serve chai for a steep price; and then enact your review of the play - within one minute of stepping out of the auditorium. You can be a cutting-edge reviewer who enacts reviews in real-time.

3. Have ads in the midst of the play

Thanks to TV, audiences are accustomed to this. Target the young ladies with Fair & Lovely. L Oreal. Vogue. Or else Gluose D. Pan Parag. Old Monk. It's one way to have posh props on stage.

4. Theatre rental prices

Plays should be rented like DVDs. This means: an actor can come to your home and read Pravin Joshi or Shafaat Khan. Manav Kaul or Saumya Joshi.

5. Use leaves for lighting

Leaves burn, why can't we collect them and make a bonfire for some great authentic lighting. Plus leaves are free.

6. On being asked how the play will start:

After the third bell.

7. Actresses

You can't trust actress. Never tell an actress where you live or work. They will land up and ask you to rewrite the lines; or re-rehearse the scene.

8. On being told his brilliant idea had been stolen

I hope they stage it and then the play runs into censor trouble. Until finally it is staged and a protest group enters the auditorium and breaks everyone's legs and arms and when they are in the hospital they think 'I really wish I hadn't stolen that idea'.

9. Aisles in the theatre

If they made the aisles in the theatre wider we could drive our car in and grab things through the window and pay on the way out like at McDonalds.

10. A thespian explaining theatre to his grand-daughter

It's a bit like your Playstation game Grand Theft Auto 4 on which you spend days and months. Except I don't get to kill hookers and drug dealers in a virtual world.

11. An experimental play

If the play is boring one can introduce pie charts in the middle of it to explain the equity debt ratio of a performance.

12. What a play needs to be famous:

... Logo.

13. Survival Technique

Write 31 plays in one month. So that a different play is staged every day of the month - and then we can start with the next new month.

14. Co-actors

If you're in a play which you can sense is a flop; then motivate the fellow actors to go over the top and over-act. That way you'll be ignored and no one will remember you're in the play.

15. Super Powers

I wish I could perform on the moon. My performance shall have gravitas.

16. Religion

If I was god I would make rehearsals vanish.